To Natalia Lacunza (Pamplona, 23 years old), the sweet candidate of Triumph operation who didn’t win the television competition, but whose name is the only one Spain can remember from his edition (the first after the “Amaia atomic bomb”), loves to dance dark electronica and drum and bass to your favorite nightclub. He shows it on his new album, It must be for me that he’s going on tour in Spain, full of digital textures. While occasionally picking up one of the pieces sushi past the revolving bar of Akihibara, a quirky Japanese restaurant in Madrid inspired by the neighborhood geek par excellence in Tokyo, where fans occasionally interrupt her to ask her for selfies, she says that “when she was little” her mother played Carla Bruni’s album for her. Two decades later, her taste in everything has evolved to the point where she doesn’t even recognize herself: “When you’re young, you accept a lot of things within you that later you have to easily deconstruct.”
Questions. Didn’t you like to dance before?
Answer. I’ve always loved it! But now I’m discovering the club culture, which may not seem very safe, but it’s quite the opposite. There are some rules that you must follow strictly, very very specific, and once you skip them they send you home. Even as a little dwarf I had the dream of becoming a dancer in musicals. Whenever I talked about it, a friend’s mother would come up and say, “Yeah, but what do you really want to be?” Let’s see ma’am, for starters, you don’t ask a nine-year-old girl what she wants to be when she grows up, and second, you don’t treat my dream like it’s illegitimate. Then, over time, I realized that I really couldn’t imagine anything else for myself and as soon as I started going to university, my instinct told me that I had to get out of there.
R Well, when I got there, I thought, “I’m going to hold out for two news shows here.” I saw the people going to class and I didn’t identify with anyone.
P It’s odd that even though his calling was clear, he said that when he was done Triumph operation She felt that people loved her “for nothing.”
R It’s just not a format that really encourages your creativity. People start to get to know you a little bit when Big Brother starts, and then you don’t show your own credit, your own integrity. When I came out, I thought that I had to earn everything I had achieved prematurely. And then I started to wonder if it was really valid because I didn’t feel obviously beautiful or incredibly talented. I tend to self sabotage when you freak out. I think it’s in my DNA.
P Didn’t they support her at home?
R My parents were very supportive of my plan to pursue music, but although I was always a very nice girl, very educated, who always got very good grades, there were also a lot of expectations placed on me. And suddenly it turns out that because I’m bisexual, I didn’t have a specific sexual orientation, and that translated into a general picture that was different from what was expected of me. That’s where things can get screwed up because you start perceiving yourself as inadequate…
P On the other hand, a very feminine feeling.
R Yes, the “I have to play a role.” As a kid, I didn’t have a very clear identity, I dressed up as a boy, dressed up as a weirdo, and happily said, “I look like Tarzan, I’m about to take my earrings off”. When we played I was always the dad, the brother, the father… When I started to become a bit more aware of gender roles and see what I have to fulfill as a woman, it got me at a point in life caught when I was not formed.
P Who helped you make the big change?
R Well, an incredible therapist that was hard for me to find I don’t think so. The first one I went to was an older man and I got the impression that he wouldn’t understand things about girls that I was ashamed to tell him. In the first session he told me: “What you have to do is be happy to meet you, that’s all you need, because you can get what you want. Trust is a value”. And I thought I’d go to the bookstore and buy a book Mr Wonderful. You have to rely more on your instincts because a lot of times they tell you you’re crazy and then you turn out to be right.
P How come your band is all girls?
R Well, I was tired of seeing young pop girls accompanied by studio musicians who do this all their lives and drive in different vans. I said to myself: “I want a camp rock“. I spent the day surrounded by men and I wanted to be surrounded by girls my own age and I thought: If it’s in my hands, why shouldn’t I? And I did it, but not because of a political question, but because of an almost selfish and practical question, to make me feel comfortable. When I met her it was a turning point: I realized that there are good people in the world who would really love me for who I am. Luckily you opened my eyes.
P Would you say you are young awaken with “eco-anxiety”?
R The truth is that I am very disappointed with the system in general. I am of course very concerned about LGTBIQ rights and of course I am very concerned about climate change, so much so that sometimes I can’t even think about it. But I think before I would have to give an opinion I would have to read a lot of books. What shall I say to a man who has 50,000 factories and rules the world?
P You have said that the abandonment culture arises from a sense of powerlessness in the face of systemic sex abuse. Do you agree?
R Total. Justice doesn’t work the way you think it does. You can’t talk calmly about anything you want or tell anything that happened to you because they’re suing you. Or they send you emails threatening you.
P Why do you think there are so few girls in gangs?
R That’s starting to change. They exist, but they get less hype and less industry support. We also have the culture of shame and humility much more involved inside. Although I think it’s easier for a 14 year old boy to play drums than a girl because you see all these bands of boys and you get excited. We lacked references.
P And are they as important as they say?
R Of course they are very important! What Amaia did for example was an inspiration when it comes to tackling my own project. Or maybe I wouldn’t have had so much conflict in my sex and love life if I hadn’t felt like shit when I was young and had a 20 year old bisexual aunt on TV as a reference.
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